December 31, 2015

What If?

I was told by a colleague recently that I wasn’t as perky as I used to be, or as I usually am, or as she was because she was leaving for somewhere sunny and warm in three days. Whatever she said or meant or was going, she was right.

Lately I feel like the highs and lows of my mood swings are in close comparison to those of my sixteen year old daughter. I find myself frequently making trips to her bathroom drawer to sneak a squeeze or two of her Clearasil and to use her mirror, the light seems so much better in there. I’m sure that there is a potion for aging hormonal skin, but that would be admitting that there is a problem, I could also wear the glasses that I oh so wanted two years ago as an accessory to change up my look, that are now more a necessity for things like reading labels and tweezing my eyebrows. And my once cycle that you could set your watch to, is now not so.

Earlier this week, after losing my shit on my husband for helping me, and clearly I needed help, so why not just say thank you, I met one of my close friends for lunch. She listened as I let loose about carnage of my morning; the ridiculousness of my emotional state and that I was over a week late. She responded with “are you pregnant?”. I scoffed and ordered a glass of wine. Later in the afternoon I went to my daughter’s hockey game. My parents were already there and sitting under the heater, I quickly slid in next to my Mum avoiding any eye contact and small talk with the few parents that do speak to me, and burst into tears as I told her about my crappy day, your Mum just has that kind of power. For a second time in a matter of hours, I was asked if I were pregnant, she even hoped it was a boy.

It’s funny what your mind does between 2:30 and 4:15am. My husband and I decided many years ago that we would not be having any more children and took the necessary steps to make it permanent. During the mayhem of my 40th birthday, I opened up the discussion about the possibility of reversing those changes, but realized quickly that having a baby won’t solve your problems; you have to solve your problems. I also became an Aunt for the first time, and got my baby fix whenever I wanted it, so I was able to adjust to midlife with a full 7 ½ hours of sleep each night. But what if I was pregnant now, there is always that one tiny chance. I immediately decided that I would not be taking my arthritis medication that morning, my daughter would still be playing in a hockey tournament in Langley so I could easily slip into a drug store there to pick up a pregnancy test without running into anyone I knew. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if it were positive although the search for the perfect patio would have to be put on hold at least for the summer, I could rework my work schedule, speed through my next 3 courses in 9 months to finish my Nutritional Practitioner designation, we have extra room in the house although I would need a bigger car. My brother was raising toddlers in his 40’s, why couldn’t I, but is a 17 year age difference between children too much? I just hope that the kids in his class (since my Mum had already determined my miracle baby’s sex) wouldn’t call me Grandma-Mum. My mind was settled for the moment and I was able to drift back to sleep for a few hours.

Alarm, snooze, alarm and the day began with groggy realization that the only reason that I would need to stop at the drug store would be if Starbucks didn’t have the newspaper.

Disappointed? Mayhaps. Relieved? Abso-freaking-lutely! And ultimately a very interesting way to finish a year, completely open to the possibility of whatever the New Year holds.

Wishing you and yours peace, good health and happiness from me and mine.

Cheers.

Comments

  1. Thanks for talking about this – there isn’t much pubic discussion about what happens to one’s thought processes when we start getting to a “certain age”. I certainly wasn’t prepared for my own episodes; it’s interesting what wonky hormones can do to a supposedly adult mind. I am learning to recognize when I am losing my S**t over something ridiculous, but it’s taken awhile. At first I thought it was because of the stresses involved with becoming single, out-of-town travel, etc., but after casually mentioning it to my doctor and later having the official “peri-menopause” discussion I realized some of my previous irrational behaviour had actually been hormonal episodes. Yay me.
    Nevertheless, I’m sure glad none of my meltdowns have been over a “what if” moment. Kudos to you for keeping calm and rationalizing your way through it.

    • You’re right Spring, other than girlfriends whispering about it after a glass or two of wine, there really isn’t much public talk on this topic. At the risk of sounding like a lunatic, I am more than happy to open up the discussion.

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